As many of you know, GWE (Greatest Wife Ever) and I love Justin. We love him so much that individuals're working to make another of him. However, soon after months of failed attempts, GWE decided we needed to require a more clinical approach and also have doctors check us out to make sure we are not broken. I don't have any trouble with this. GWE went in twice to own blood tests which is a problem for an individual who doesn't like needles! The LEAST I could do was produce a donation of my personal!:)
However, as I've told GWE, it will be possible that this reason we have not been successful is that individuals repeatedly make an effort to "git 'er done" AFTER long, stressful, and exhausting days. It's also not easy to get excited about this after I've spent the last remaining hours of my day rough-housing with Justin simply to get kicked inside the groin. (see "Family Jewels" posting). And "baby making" sex just isn't all. I feel as if a marathon runner who has no clue in the event the race will start, but knows that at any time the starter pistol is going to be fired and I'm anticipated to be "up-to-speed."
So, here is my experience... I walked in to the doctor's office the other day and was immediately handed an application to complete. Many of the statements, questions, and requests might have taught me to be laugh hysterically if I were an immature teenager. Sadly, I am an immature adult and I did laugh loudly. And, this being the modern day, I also had my mobile phone on me and took a photo from the document to demonstrate to my friends. Many of these statements are as follow:
1) Semen samples are collected by masturbation. (Gee, many thanks for that tip! Let me mention here this "donation" cost me $125.00. If I were in Vegas, I'm fairly sure that with the amount of money - someone would've provided a service to obtain the semen away from me!)
2) Before producing the specimen, wash hands and penis with soapy water. (Because nothing turns me on more that washing my kibbles and bits in the cold, porcelain sink with the pink soap that could be also found within the bathroom at Dodger's Stadium.)
3) Keep the container upright at room to body temperature during transportation. (This phrase is most likely here because some idiot decided it may be wise to put his specimen inside freezer for preservation only to own a loved one open the freezer, take it out, and mistake if for Freeze-Dried, Space Ice Cream.)
4) Collection Method: A) By Masturbation B) By Other... explain. (Yes, please show me the way you got that sample without masturbation! Are you The Amazing Kreskin?!?)
After I filled in the right paperwork and paid the fee, I was invited in to a private room for many alone time. The room was small, and contained a sink, a TV/DVD combo, a cabinet, as well as a slightly reclined "Love Seat." While giving me a few simple instructions (none which I can in fact remember) I watched the nurse Jimoporno.com take out what seemed like a durable potty cover that is seen in any public lavatory and after that she placed it gingerly for the sofa. At that moment, the certainty hit me that hundreds or else thousands of strange mankind has masturbated on that spot. To me, this is no longer "The Love Seat" - it absolutely was now "The Slut Chair." It had been around the block then when I finished it might probably think to itself, "Eh, I've ought to."
I was then told how the pornographic movie within the DVD player was already running and all sorts of I required to do was turn the television on when the nurse left. She then informed me "good luck" with a smile and closed the entranceway. I got as comfortable as is possible (in this case) turned around the television and began to watch the movie.
You should know - I like porn! I really do and I'm not ashamed regarding it. I've seen A LOT of it (thank you internet). And, you understand when you've seen A LOT of it? It's for those who have the realization that you just watched something that you never wanted to see and today it's far too late because you just first viewed it. Didn't realize that has been a midget? Too bad, you merely discovered it. Didn't realize these folks were performing it in a horse stable for the reason? Too late, you merely saw a horse penis!
However, nothing could prepare me for which I was ready to watch - 80's porn! That's right, porn from your decade before traditional hair removal! First coming from all, I'm fairly certain that this doctor's wife chose this kind of movie because the dude inside the movie had MUCH more screen time than the unattractive, overweight woman he was trying to have sex with. There was a great deal hair - it was like watching two Wookies make love. Second, there is "mood lighting." In an make an effort to make it appear to be this couple was making love at night, someone decided that it would be a good idea to flood the set having a blue light. So now - it's like watching two characters away from "Avatar" making love. And third, (and weirdest of all) the porn were built with a soundtrack! It was orchestral and continued to build in intensity (totally blocking out the sounds in the two blue, hairy beasts attacking the other - um, I mean "making love.") Even the music seemed to suggest to me, "Hurry up, finish, and have the fuck away from here!" AND.... so that you can not disturb one other patients, I was necessary to wear headphones. (Yes, you read that right.)
There I was with my pants around my ankles, watching '80s porn, specimen cup in one hand, my "friend" inside the other hand, wearing massive headphones, while located on a paper napkin in "The Slut Chair". I had two specific thoughts at the time: 1) This reminded me a lot from the final moments of "Clockwork Orange" and, 2) "I hope I don't die. I would hate to get discovered like this."
And finally, the worst part of all....
They must have had the DVD player on all day. When I started watching there was clearly only 2-3 minutes left. Then, it started rolling in the credits. Then, the DVD player had to restart the DVD. Then, it needed to run though upcoming titles. Then, it needed to run the opening credits. Then finally, the DVD started again! What must have taken me only a few minutes to get done now took me half an hour because I was waiting for the damn DVD!! I'm certain the nurses were outside my door playing "rock, paper, scissors" to view who would've to check up on me.
I'm sure you're probably asking yourself, why didn't I just go approximately the DVD player and push the buttons?? Good question! I tried that and if feels like the doctor's office doesn't trust their patients using the porn because there was clearly a clear plastic shield (with a lock) preventing me from doing almost anything to the DVD player!
In the final, I finally made my "donation" and left the container in their lab to be checked. The doctors are usually examining my sperm within telescope right now and wanting to figure out why my swimmers look embarrassed. After this experience, I'm fairly without doubt things are fine and both GWE and I are simply being overly cautious. However, I know that if I ever need to do this again - I'm bringing my own butt cushion and I'm calling ahead with my porn requests!!